Me: “Mark is gonna run the trails at 1615… I know that you might need a day off after the 18 miler yesterday we can do something else”
Judi: “how about Yoga?”
Me: “I have gas”
Judi: “no, I mean Pilates”
Now I had zero idea what happens in a Pilate’s class.. never seen one… never been to one… never bothered to ask anyone who had either. Nevertheless we were going.
But first we went to the grocery store to buy something for diner… we were having chili for dinner… recipe here:
and… you can’t have chili… even girly vegetarian chili… without beer.. so we bought some… and take it home… well.. we are just going to Pilates… so we have one.
Then it’s off to class… First I ask if we need shoes… neither of us know so we wear ours because the floor is cold and we don’t want to have cold feet The instructor arrives and advises the removal of our shoes… I am grumpy… and cold.
The first thing we do is line up our pointer toes with our pelvic bone and our bottom rib… this is “VERY IMPORTANT” and if we don’t continuously keep these all lined up we are doomed… then we are told to put our heels together with our toes out at a 45 degree angle… this is the key stance for all of Pilates we are told… In the back of the class I silently ask why does this new stance violate the pointer to with the pelvic bone thing…. I have little time to dwell on the inconsistencies because soon we are stepping from side to side with our arm straight and touching our knee… I think that this is soooo easy… must be a class for old ladies.
This lasts for a minute or so until we are told to all a kick with our left foot. On the right side… while we exhale and raise our right arm… Mary-mother-of-god.. I can pat my head while rubbing my stomach but this…. I cannot do… I feel very white until we thankfully move to shoulders.
Perhaps this is a good time to tell you that I have bad shoulders… I tore a rotator cuff lifting weights in college… and have struggled with them ever since… so I just don’t really *do* shoulders… but in Pilates it seems shoulders is like 1/3 of the class… it sucked… I sucked… and completely quit a few times and even put my hands in my hips in disgust… with me… with Judi…. With the instructor… and even with the creator in general for designing me in such a poor way.
After 15 minutes that seemed like an hour we moved on… she said to lie down on our stomachs…. I thought heck yeah baby… lie down! Well… lemme tell you… it was just the beginning of suckage…. The next 15 minutes she had me grunting and flailing around like baby Shamu on the poop deck….
I looked stupid… I felt stupid… and once when I raised my head up to see if anyone was laughing at me… I could see through the crack in the blinds… the gathering dusk… and thought of mark out running trails… how the sunset would look filtered through the trees out on the trails as the roots, and sand, and leaves passed beneath our feet.
hang… at least for a while…. Not long enough to start getting cocky but a while…. We move from abs to some side hip raises that I obviously did completely wrong and I totally got away with it because I didn’t get corrected by the teacher and it was in no way unpleasant or painful.
The end of the class brought me back to feeling like a fish out of water again… the instructor said “okay class… our time is almost up, let’s get in the something-or-other-position” (mermaid position I was later told) everyone kind of relaxed and smiled… sat with one leg crossed in front… and one leg drawn up behind… as I’m trying to figure this out… they start doing some kind of side bends…. I try and try to accomplish the sitting technique… and I feel pretty good about it as the class is finishing up their side bends… I throw my hands up and try one to only to flop over sideways (I blame the beer).
The class switches front and back leg positions and I simply give up and flop around aimlessly until we do the “stand and roll up from the waist and give yourself a pat on the back part” which I do with a smirk… As I roll up my mat…. Judi and the instructor are talking about the moves and techniques and “next time”… I silently say… “for me… there will be no next time”